I have always longed for a close relationship with my mom. I truly feel jealousy for those that have it. But I'm starting to see that some longings are not healthy and even though it hurts, you have to let those desires go.
I didn't grow up with sisters so I longed to do mother/daughter things with my mom but it never happened. There was a coldness that is hard to explain. We never went and did things together, ever.
I remember telling my dad when I was a pre-teen that I didn't know what I had done wrong to cause my mom to hate me so much. He explained to me that she didn't hate me. He told me that he can't explain why she is distant from me but that it probably had to do with how she was raised and that I should just keep trying.
I couldn't understand why everything was always blamed on how my mom was raised. I thought my mom and grandma had a great relationship. I saw them do things together all the time. My grandma would go out of her way to do little things for my mom. They may have had a strained relationship when my mom was young but I know that it wasn't strained while my mom was an adult. I saw with my own eyes and felt the desire to have the same.
I took to heart what my dad said about how I should just keep trying. I've tried and tried and tried and I'm failing. It isn't working and it is killing me.
I've taken my mom shopping, bought things for her, taken her to the movies, out to lunch, written her little cards and letters to tell her I love her. You name it, I have probably tried it and still nothing. I will be 40 years old this year and my mom still looks at me with complete hate. Her eyes glare at me and she never fails to say hurtful things. I never hear the words "I love you" or "thank you for all you do" I do hear put downs on a daily bases though.
We are told to Honor our Mothers and Fathers and because of this I have had a hard time letting go. I have felt like I had to keep trying. But I really don't think the Lord wants to see me in so much pain. I put so much effort into trying to build a relationship with my mom that I think other things in my life are suffering. So I may have to answer for this on the other side and pay the price for giving up but I must.
My parents are moving out of my house on the 1st of May and this brings me joy.
7 years ago
4 comments:
Lora-
Your post made me cry. I love you. I am so sorry that you feel like this. You are a wonderful person and have put so much effort into your relationship. I pray it will get easier.
((Hugs))
I don't know the whole situation, and it's probably better I don't... :) All you can really do is change yourself, and love YOUR kids the best you know how. Love you!!
So heartbreaking. I am so sorry. It is so hard to want something from someone and know they can't give it to you. Just go to your heavenly father and he can fill that hole. He really doesn't want you in pain.
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