An Emotional Beating

It's 2pm and I'm still crying..haven't really stopped since last night after dinner. One of my boys came to apologize to me for thoughts he's had about me!

He said "I've been thinking that I shouldn't have the thoughts I have about you. It's really not your fault that you can't be a normal mom. Normal moms don't expect their kids to do so many chores. "

"What? I'm confused sweetie, what do you mean normal?"

"Well, you work from home and you can't do what a mom is suppose to do."

"Help me understand here."

"I'm sure that if you didn't work at home you would do what normal moms do and not expect their kids to do all the work. You would cook and do the cleaning."

"I cook all the time, I don't get what you're saying. I clean all the time too so again I just don't understand."

"Well *******'s mom doesn't work so she gets up and makes a good breakfast for them, she makes his lunch and they always have dinner sitting on the table at a certain time each night."

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It only got worse.

I heard Kimball telling this child that he shouldn't have said any of those things because I'm always hard enough on myself. This child just doesn't understand why it would bother me, he was simply telling me that he understands and is going to be more "understanding" and not think the things he usually things about me because it's not my fault that I can't be a NORMAL mom.

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This morning I called *******'s mom because we are friends and I asked her if her son had chores. NOPE, he doesn't. He just has to keep his bedroom clean. CRAP, that sure doesn't help my case.

During the summers I never make breakfast but during the school year I use to always get up and make the kids breakfast. This school year was different. I got right back into the same groove of getting up and making them breakfast as I always have but the boy started to complain about it. They told me how they just want cereal. That homemade breakfast makes them sick. So I stopped making it.

Preston and William eat school lunches and Justin, Joshua and Collin all have to bring or buy their lunch. They don't like sandwiches. I've tried. So I buy things that they can take. Microwave type meals that they can heat up at the school. They often forget to take something...I guess this is my fault. I should be putting an actual lunch together for them. Like a "normal" mom. Let's not forget that I use to do that but they complained about what I made.

I always cook dinner. Yes, sometimes I assign a kid to do it cause I don't want to and because I feel they need to learn this skill. And on nights that Kimball and I go out I tell them that it's a YoYo night which means "Your on Your own". That means they can have cup of noodles, cereal, frozen meal, left-overs or Justin can go pick up pizza but I don't plan anything and I'm not there to oversee any of it. I guess a "normal" mom wouldn't have YoYo dinners.

As for cleaning, I feel like I'm always cleaning. I spend at least an hour or two every single morning pick up and cleaning the messes the boys made getting ready for school. I do the laundry (unless I make the mistake of giving it as a ground to one of them).

A "normal" mom doesn't work. What? Where does he get this? Most of his friends mom's don't work, but give me a flippin break, I try to NEVER work when my kids are home. I do my work in the middle of the night to avoid taking away from them. But even if I did work during the day, I'm here for them. If they need something, I'm here.

I'm hard on myself, I don't need any help at knowing that I need to improve on many things. I always think I can do a better job at cleaning, at organizing, at spending more time with each of my kids, at my calling, at being a wife. I actually can't sleep at nights because when I lay down I think of all the things that I could be getting done instead of laying there wasting time sleeping.

My poor son has no idea how bad he's made me feel. He thinks he's being "understanding". For me, I'm destroyed to realize that my kids look at me and see me as lazy.

So I'm left not knowing where to go from here. Do I not give my kids chores? Should they only be in charge of keeping their rooms clean? Will this magically get them to keep their rooms clean?

I can't get myself to stop wondering if my kids think that I love them less because I'm not "normal". Do "normal" moms love their kids more? I know that I love my kids more than I can even express in words, they mean everything to me, but maybe, just maybe they think otherwise.

So what makes me different from a "normal" mom? Do I get rid of chores altogether? Do I start making breakfast in the morning even though they complain? Do I pack their lunches and just smile when they complain about what I made? Do I never have a YoYo dinner night? How do I teach my kids responsibility? How do I make sure that my sons know how to do things before leaving for their Missions? Do "normal" moms not care? So many questions and I don't know how to find the answers. Is praying going to make me "normal"? I know I'm the same I was before I started working at home. I'm the same person. I do the same things (besides staying up all night). I gave chores BEFORE I started working for myself. So have I never been "normal"?

This post probably makes no sense and it probably has a ton of rambling and I'm not going to go back and check. Sorry!! Maybe if I was "normal" I would, but I'm not "normal" I just needed to get it all out. Maybe when I can get myself to be "normal" I'll look back at this post fondly. NOT.